It’s been five years since our divorce and I am still entangled with my ex. Every time I feel like I’m making progress, he has a way of coming back into my life, messing with my mind and creating all sorts of chaos that I allow. My friends have gotten tired of hearing about it. My brother thinks I should just stop talking to my ex. But somehow, I always go back to trying to be friends or wanting to talk to him, being seduced by his words… his hopes that we can start over, while at the same time subtly manipulating me.
Change is hard. Change is scary. My ex is a known variable. I’m familiar with the drama, the anger, intensity, his brushes with the law, making myself small and making sure I don’t say the wrong thing or bring up the wrong topic while in his presence. On the other side, there are unknowns and many fears. The potential for growth, but also singlehood, loneliness and not having him there.
My dad died in October of 2025. He had been living with my ex for years after I left the house. I own the house. On top of losing my dad, there is the complication of whether or not to sell and kick my ex out. I have a lot of guilt over this decision and fear of hurting him as well as fear of what he might do without the house. I also wonder if I can move back and try to make things work between us, even though I know in my heart that we’re no longer compatible.
Due to my loneliness and poor boundaries, I recently allowed my ex to visit me. It felt good… kind of like old times. We traveled. We had sex. We laughed. He didn’t get angry (at least not at me, like he’d done in the past). It was nice to not feel so alone. Even though I know we’re not compatible, part of me wonders if we can’t still make it work. He wants to get back together and he tries to convince me that things could be different or better this time if only I’d stop spending so much money, avoid spirituality and just let him control things. He often uses money and finances to guilt or manipulate me and even though I know it’s not healthy, having him take care of me is attractive.
There was a long time when I felt like he was the only one who could understand me. For 8 years, we were just two people against the world. But now I realize that our core values are different.
I desperately wish things were different. I halfway across the country, but I hope that one day I can gain emotional freedom beyond just the physical distance. This relationship is toxic and it hurts us both.