Learn this critical concept. Live it every day if you find it useful.

How many times have we been told to reduce or cut off contact with our ex. Yet how difficult is it for us to stay away? Many of us would love to be able to maintain some kind of connection, but can we ever make it work in a real sense, when we often want so much more?

Could this be the best time to cut the cord and get healthy independently, OR is it right to stick it out in hopes of reconciliation with an EX. We are at a crossroads, aren’t we?!  Whether or not to maintain contact is not a question this website will decide for anyone. Rather, we have a tool you can use to help you figure it out for yourself.

For those who really do feel it’s time to cut ties, there may be a benefit from this often tried and true method. We believe the reason ending contact is so difficult, is that we’re missing a key component:


What do we mean by structure? By this we mean that separation, if this is the chosen route, can happen in a planned and organized way. How do we plan during such an emotionally vulnerable stage in our lives? How do we accomplish this difficult task???


Yes, abstinence happens one day at a time. And each consecutive day is another day to add to your count. Each consecutive day that we count is a blessing. And we count these blessings daily and diligently. They are a wonderful representation of our undying spirit.

Consider this a daily affirmation. On the first day in which we avoid initiating contact we say the following to ourselves and to other Exaholics in writing on this site:

“My name is [Username] and It’s been (one) day since I have initiated contact with my ex.”

Or if you believe yourself to be an Exaholic and would like to include an affirmation then:

“My name is [Username] and I am an Exaholic. It’s been (one) day since I have initiated contact with my ex.”

So why is it that we declare not initiating contact versus no contact at all. The reason is simple. We can only be responsible for our own actions, not that of the other person. We cannot be sure that we won’t by chance pick up the phone, only to hear that person’s voice on the other end. Also, often times there are practical matters that require contact. This is especially true for divorced Exaholics, separated Exaholics, Exaholics with children, etc. In the event we must contact an ex due to family or business matters simply add “for non-business or legal reasons.”

In counting days we treat each day as a separate entity. We don’t think in terms of forever. We avoid making sweeping, bold statements about our future. Recovery is about the small victories, one day at a time.

When we string together a good number of days where we have not initiated contact, we can look back and see how far we’ve come. We concern ourselves only with today. Tomorrow is not a great concern until it becomeS today. So for right now, when you cease initiating contact today, count and declare.

On our thirtieth day the above sentence will look like this:

“My name is [Username] and I am an Exaholic. It’s been 30 days since I have initiated contact with my ex”

and so forth and so on. Understand how this works? Recovery in the Exaholics program has many facets. And counting days is key to our growth.