I write to him every day. This has been going on for over 4 months. I might have been able to stop myself a total of 15 days this whole time. I pour my heart out to him, trying to figure out what happened. What happened is he dished out a day-long silent treatment on Valentine’s Day and ruined our dinner for 2. Dinner never happened.

I go over and over it all with him in my emails, but it gets even better! I paid for a tracking program, so I can see that he opens my emails! I feel like a freak. Technology lets us do that, but Jesus, who does that?!!!

If I’m not writing to him, I’m thinking of what I might say next. I miss him so much. I just don’t know how to stop. I feel like my pride and self dignity must be non-existent. Nothing I read seems to motivate me to save myself. He hasn’t replied once in these months.

I’m able to see myself and know very well that none of this is normal. But it feels uncontrollable. As if some unknown force is calling the shots in my heart and my brain. And it feels so sickening to be so vulnerable.

Thanks for reading in RAW & REAL